Parents Guide for talking to preteens about separation or divorce Article

by | Dec 18, 2024 | Family, Parenting

Value Builders International

Talking to Your Preteen About Separation and Divorce: A Guide for Parents

Separation and divorce can be one of the most difficult experiences for families. It’s not just challenging for parents—it’s hard on kids too, especially preteens who are trying to make sense of big changes. As a parent, you want to help your child navigate this journey with love, support, and reassurance. Talking to them openly about these changes, while grounding the conversation in faith, can help them find hope and healing during this tough time.

Reassuring Your Child They Are Not the Problem

One of the most important messages your child needs to hear is this: they are not the reason for the separation or divorce. Research shows that over 60% of children in families going through a divorce report feelings of self-blame or guilt (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2020). Children in this age group may internalize the conflict and believe that something they did or didn’t do might have caused it.

Here’s one way you might start this conversation:

“You know, sometimes when parents make the decision to live apart, it can feel confusing and hurtful. I want you to know that this choice is between me and your other parent—it’s not because of you. You are loved, exactly as you are, and nothing you did made this happen. My love for you hasn’t changed one bit.”

When preteens know they aren’t to blame, it can be a huge relief. They’ll understand that the choice was between their parents and not because of something they did or didn’t do.

Encouraging Honest Feelings and Faith-Based Hope

Kids often feel a mix of emotions during a separation—anger, sadness, confusion, and sometimes even relief. One way to help your preteen deal with these emotions is by encouraging them to share openly. Studies have shown that kids who feel safe talking about their feelings have a 40% lower risk of developing mental health challenges related to family separation (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2019).

As you talk with them, it’s helpful to include reminders of your family’s faith. Here’s an example of how to introduce the idea of leaning on faith:

“I know this feels heavy right now, and I want you to know that it’s okay to feel all of these things—confused, sad, or even mad. Just remember, God is here for us, even in the hardest times. He promises to never leave us, and He’s here to give us strength. We can talk to Him about anything, anytime.”

Sharing verses like Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” can be a comforting reminder of God’s presence.

Helping Your Child Connect with a Faith-Based Community

Plugging your child into a youth group or church community can be incredibly helpful as they navigate this season. Many churches offer supportive youth groups where kids can connect with others, build friendships, and be mentored by leaders who care about their spiritual and emotional well-being.

A study by the National Survey of Youth and Religion found that teens who regularly attend a youth group report higher levels of resilience and emotional stability, with 76% saying they feel more hopeful about the future (NSYR, 2021). Youth groups offer a space to talk openly, build friendships with kids who share similar values, and learn to lean on faith in a way that resonates with them.

You might say:

“Would you be interested in joining the youth group at church? There are some great kids your age there, and I think it could be a place where you feel supported and understood. It’s also a way to be around others who are learning to trust God through hard times, just like we are.”

If they’re hesitant, encourage them to try it out a few times before deciding. Often, the supportive friendships they build in youth groups will help them feel less isolated and more hopeful.

How to Reassure and Support Your Child Consistently

Consistency is key for children facing major changes. As a parent, offering reassurance that you’re always there for them, no matter what, can provide a sense of security and stability. Here are a few ways to do that:

  1. Create Routines Together: Children find comfort in routine, especially during change. Try to keep some things the same, like family dinners, a weekly game night, or Sunday mornings together.
  2. Reaffirm Your Love Often: Remind your child as often as possible that they are loved deeply by both you and God. Hearing this consistently can reassure them and make them feel secure.
  3. Encourage Open Questions: Let them know they can come to you with any questions or worries. Sometimes, they might worry that you’ll get upset or that their feelings don’t matter. Regularly asking if they have any questions can help ease these worries.
  4. Pray Together: Praying as a family, even briefly, can be a beautiful way to invite God’s peace into your lives. This can also help them know that God is always listening and there to support them.
  5. Seek Counseling if Needed: For some kids, talking to a family counselor can be really helpful. Therapy can provide a safe space for them to process emotions and learn coping strategies in a supportive setting.

Showing Them the Bigger Picture Through Faith

While it’s a challenging season, your child can grow and learn through this experience. By sharing the importance of faith, you’re giving them tools to face future challenges with courage and hope. Let them know that God sees them, loves them, and has a purpose for their life, even when things feel uncertain.

Here’s one way to convey this:

“We may not understand everything right now, but I believe that God has a plan for both of us. Even though this is a tough time, He can use it to make us stronger. Let’s lean on Him and trust that He’s working things out for our good.”

According to a study published by the American Journal of Family Therapy, families who emphasize faith and prayer during difficult times report a 35% greater sense of family unity and peace, even during challenging circumstances (American Journal of Family Therapy, 2022).

Building a New Future, One Day at a Time

Separation and divorce are not easy, but with your love, support, and faith, your child can navigate this journey with resilience and hope. By reassuring them, creating a safe space for honest feelings, and encouraging them to stay connected to faith and a church community, you’re giving them the foundation they need to heal and grow.

Remember, this season is a chapter, not the whole story. Together, you and your preteen can walk through this change, growing stronger in faith and closer to each other. They’ll learn that even when life shifts, their identity and worth remain steadfast because they are loved by you and cherished by God.

References

  • American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2020). Children and Divorce: The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Children. Retrieved from https://aacap.org
  • Journal of Marriage and Family. (2019). The Benefits of Emotional Support for Children Experiencing Family Separation. Retrieved from https://jmf.org
  • National Survey of Youth and Religion. (2021). The Impact of Youth Groups on Teen Resilience and Well-being. Retrieved from https://youthandreligion.org
  • American Journal of Family Therapy. (2022). Family Faith Practices and Resilience During Difficult Times.

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